Stop Avoiding Scheduled Sex and Do this Instead
I get it… you are le tired of people telling you to schedule sex… cause it’s lame, not spontaneous, unsexy, or how the F are you going to be able to guarantee that your libido is going to show up on demand.
In this episode of the Sex After Kids Podcast we break down your hangups about scheduled sex, four reasons to get over it anyways, and I break down my four step formula for scheduling a sex date that DOES NOT SUCK. No pressure for your libido to show up, no awkward makeouts until you finally get into it, no forcing yourself and then feeling “grateful” you did later, and no more avoiding sex for weeks on end. Valentine’s day is around the corner - the ultimate of scheduled sex dates with paramount expectations - using the formula you can take a potential valentine’s day flop and make it a grand naked sexy fun time - with just a little effort.
Listen, watch or read below and if you need a little more support to implement this Framework then consider joining the Roommates to Romance Challenge. We start Feb 7 - you can read all about it here.
Catch you next time.
Sofia - Aka the Happy V
I know one of the biggest pieces of advice out there for sex after kids is to schedule it, make it non negotiable, show up and make it happen and you'll be grateful you did and the problem is:
You book a date but have no idea if your libido will show up at the agreed day and time
You feel pressure and build anxiety that things will just be another let down
You do show up, you do force yourself and you end up feeling more distant than connected
You do show up, you do have a great time, but it feels like it cost you something
You book the sitter and maybe a hotel and feel like you wasted money when your libido doesn't show up to the party
You avoid scheduling it because it's lame or because there must be something wrong with your relationship if we have to schedule sex.
Funny thing is.
we schedule appointments to the dentist to keep our teeth clean
we schedule important work meetings to get everyone on the same page
we schedule vacations
we schedule meetings with our financial planner
But we have a hard time wrapping our head around setting aside intentional time with the ones we love.
Here's what I know to be true as a Sex Coach and mom who has rescued her own sex life after three kids.
Scheduling sex is way of showing your partner that you think naked time with them is important.
Scheduling sex is sometimes the only way around the logistical nightmare that is life with kids.
Scheduling sex doesn't mean there is something wrong with your relationship - it means that you choose together to make this part of your relationship a priority (even if it's once every 3 months)
Scheduled sex is some of the hottest sex I have had because it means I can be in control of the variables that affect my libido and give my body all it needs to get relaxed, present, connected and sexy.
If I am not scheduling sex, it's not happening - and if I want to be married for the next 80 years, sex is part of my relationship picture.
So how do we take all the suck out of scheduled sex and make it a naked sexy fun time? I use my Naked Sexy Fun Times Framework to teach you a step by step process for having a successful date - every time. How?
you make sure to throw a party your libido is pumped to show up to - with bells on! We make sure we have all her favourite foods, and the music and vibes are just right.
you are intentional about using tools to help you transition from busy mom and dad mode to relaxed connected lover mode.
you approach the whole thing as a playful experiment instead of a high pressure performance zone.
There’s Four Parts to this Framework:
Ditch the sexpectations: The longer it’s been since you’ve had sex, the more shut down your lower libido person is, the more conflict there is, the more I need you to really take this part seriously. The goal is only to get naked and have fun. Not to have the most amazing Orgasm ever, not to have intercourse, not to anything. Just get naked and have fun. If you things are really tough, drop the naked part. We want to create a positive feedback loop where good experiences, no matter how small, create more good experiences.
Build a Bridge: One of the hardest parts about schedule sex is the context switch. We go from folding laundry and doing bedtime or getting the kids settled with sitters to HELLO LETS’ GET SEXY NOW. We have to build from one zone to the other. We can easily do that with what I call the Prelaunch checklist. It’s a checklist of the things that get me from point a to Relaxed Present Connection. Three things you can ask yourself are a) what makes me feel relaxed, what makes me feels sexy, what makes me feel connected to my partner. Make a literal list of your answers (up to five per category) and then use them. When it’s time to get naked start with three things from your list to transition you into sexy times.
Communication: Communication and feedback are so important especially when we are in a rediscover and rebuild phase of our sex life. Two things to share right now to keep it positive are - what feels great, and what you what more of. That way you will naturally get less of what you don’t want and you will practice strengthening your feedback muscle.
Always be Learning: Finally this needs to be a process where we are always learning. Make sure to take five minutes to debrief and share what worked and what didn’t just your exploration. The more we think of naked sexy fun times as exploring times, and intentionally learn something from our so called failures, the more we will feel like a team that is growing together.
And that my friends is how we create a naked sexy fun time, instead of a high pressure sexpectation zone. Give it a try or join me for the Roommates to Romance After Kids Challenge. where’ i’ll break it down for you step by step over 7 days. We get started Feb 17. Get in on the action.
Sofia