How to Talk About Your Sex Life After Kids
In this episode of the Sex After Kids Podcast Sofia shares a session from the 2024 Sex After Kids Summit. If you have ever wondered how to open the conversation about your sex life after kids, or if it feels impossible to get what you want in your relationship now that kids are in the mix, this episode is a must. Let's talk about why its so hard and what you can do it about it.
Grab your free Sex After Kids Reset Roadmap.
Want to catch more sessions from the Sex After Kids Summit? Replays are available, email sofia@thehappyvaginaproject.com for the details.
So you know you need to talk about your sex life.
An issue has been brewing but you just don’t know how to bring it up. You are worried you will hurt their feelings, you have no idea what to even say or what you want, you are afraid they will shut down and get defensive. Let’s talk about why it’s hard to talk about our sex life and what we can do to make it easier.
Remember, this is NOT about sharing feedback during sex it’s about talking about the big picture of your sex life and how you want it to serve your relationship.
Why it’s hard
We don’t have the skills - Communication is a skill set. Getting vulnerable, knowing what we want, having the words to share, and managing conflict is a skill - one you likely never learned - so it’s hard. Give yourself some grace and know that if you are here reading/listening, if you are here to do better that is half the battle. You will get better at this over time.
Shame and taboo - we don’t encourage open and honest communication about sex. Most of got an awkward convo from parents and our questions were judged as weird and shameful, not normal. Because of that we don’t feel comfortable having these conversations.
This is risky and vulnerable - It’s one thing to share your favourite food with someone, it’s another to ask them to do a certain unspeakable thing to you - we fear judgement of our desires or we risk shaming or hurting partners in the process when we share our feedback. These convos feel scary for a reason, they can be. But that doesn’t mean they are not worth having.
Ask Yourselves - What are the biggest reasons I am avoiding this conversation? What am I worried will happen if I open this door?
Three Reasons to Find Your Voice
You can’t change what you can’t talk about. If we keep ignoring this issue there is no possibility of change and you can imagine what the impact will look like for your relationship. Conversations, while scary, are the path to what we want.
Sex is a Team Sport. You can’t run an effective volleyball team without making a game plan, and communicating on the court. Sex is the same. The more we talk the more likely we are to win the game.
Communication Creates Connection. There’s nothing more disconnecting than letting the elephant in the room grow and grow. Talking about it when it’s small is way easier. On the other side of every hard conversation I have ever had has been relief, understanding and connection - regardless of what the outcome looked like.
What are our goals for this conversation?
The goal of our conversation is not to get our way, it’s not to blame or point fingers, instead we are aiming for an understanding of:
How your partner thinks about sex and relationships
What motivates them to have sex and be in a relationship
What they are curious about and what they want to try
What the ideal sex life or relationship looks like for them/you
how we want to measure the success of our sex life. A reminder here that frequency is not a great goal. Maybe the goal is learning, maybe the goal is more fun, maybe the goal is trying new things.
Five Strategies to Try
Go Theoretical
The first approach is the to talk theory instead of to talk about your relationship and your situation. This means bringing a concept or theory to your partner to explore together. Whether you decide to talk about your relationship or your sex life specifically you can share a reel or tik tok video, a book, a Ted Talk about a relationship concept and bring it up with your partner to discuss. This can look like
” I watched this reel the other day that talks about how libidos change after kids, can I share it with you?”“I saw this ted talk about how sex inlong term relationships changes from the early days”
“Did you know that it takes 20-40 minutes for the vulvas to get fully warmed up for sex?”
This gives you space to talk about something together without walking into your personal egos. Learning together is one of the biggest things you can do for your sex life right now.
Explore Motivations and Beliefs
Another way that is still in the theory realm is to talk about what motivates you to have sex or what you believe and have learned about sex. Some questions to explore include:
What were your experiences of sex ed
Who gave you the talk?
What have you learned about sex from media?
What motivates you to have sex?
Why does sex matter in your relationship?
Talk about What you Want more of
As we inch closer to talking about our actual sex life and relationship we can dive into the positive, exploring what we are loving and what we want more of. This can help stave off defensiveness, bring us into the positive feelings of reminiscing about a golden era in our relationship and bond over how to bring it back. Having a common vision is invaluable when it comes to creating the change as a team. Some questions you can explore:
What’s working really well in our sex and intimate life?
What makes us feel really connected?
What do I miss about our sex life before kids?
Or what do I want more of?
What are some of our most memorable sex eras or experiences or memorable eras in our relationship - what was so great about them?
Talk about the Future
We can also engage in dreaming about the future. What do we want to create? What do we want our relationship to look like 6 months, 5 years from now or when we are 80. This can help us connect with the gap between where we are today and where we want to be and help us find the motivation to make small changes every day to get to our vision.What do you want your sex life to look like 10 years from now?
What stage is our sexual relationship in?
What is something you’ve always been curious to try or learn more about?
What’s something you never want to try?
Go Direct
Sometimes we just gotta get brave and share some feedback. Something is really not working for us and we need to get it out in the open. Here’s some tips for making that happen.
Don’t blame - try not to point the finger, but rather share your experience of what is happening. Keep the focus on yourself, not the other person.
Focus on your experience and “i” statements - this helps you do step 1.
Be honest - don’t tippy toe, don’t dance around, be direct and say the thing. Remember that your partner wants to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with them, every moment you fake it or keep your tongue tied you are denying them the opportunity to learn and get better.
Think of it as hitting the reset button - Maybe you’ve been faking it for a while, maybe your partner thinks his signature move is killer and you’ve never had the heart to tell him it doesn’t turn your crank. Make this convo a chance to hit the reset button. This is not a “you suck” convo, this is a “I want us to have amazing sex and I love you”.
Share your fears - Getting vulnerable and sharing that this conversation is hard, sharing that you are afraid of their reaction or you don’t want to hurt their feelings, can help your partner connect with your intent and what you are trying to share instead of feeling like you are blaming them.
Tips for an effective Convo
Don’t have this convo in bed at 11 pm when you are exhausted and snippy
Don’t have this convo while having sex
Don’t focus on blaming and critisizing
Stick to the facts - “ I NEVER come” vs “I didn’t orgasm last time.”
Dream big and get creative -tap into what excites and motivates you both
Practice fertile listening - when one partner is talking your job is to listen, and really really hear, not plan your response. Paraphrase or repeat back what you think you heard and allow your partner to correct.
Remember that everyone’s experience is valid and important and stay connected to your common goal - you love each other and want a strong happy, playful loving relationship!
I’d love to hear what helped you the most from this episode and what strategy you are going to try. Comment below.
Catch you next week - the Happy V Project.
Ps. Remember if you need help getting to the next step hop on a free Reset Roadmap call and let’s talk about how to get where you are today into your playful, fun and flirty relationship.