Intention vs Desire
Hey friends,
I had ran an interesting and experiment with hubby last week that had some great results and I wanted to share.
You know how the story goes. It may have been true for you at some point in your sexual career - where the start of sex began with a feeling in your loins, a glance at your partner and a desire to just get your hands and your lips all over them, or an itch in your body that could only be scratched with a romp in the hay or a self love session.
But these days those feels aren't showing up for you anymore - or it never quite worked that way for you.
The other day we had dropped the kids off at school and had a moment to ourselves. And instead of waiting for my hungry lust to arise I noticed a subtle request in my body to to take this time to be close to him. We had privacy and opportunity - was I going to listen to that subtle request or just sit with him and have some coffee waiting for lust to arise. I took the INTENTION to connect as the INVITATION to initiate with no expectations or pressure.
When we become masterful at sex, when we become intentional with our couple connection, when we become bffs with our vagina, we can turn a subtle desire to connect into a satisfying romp in the hay.
The key is:
to recognize the new, more subtle signal from your body
to say "yes, or tell me more' to the signal
to know what things you can set up in your environment that will invite you libido to show up (music, lighting, candles etc)
to know what script or things to say, or that you need to hear from your partner to light the flame in that moment
to have the skills to get playful and keep expectations low - maybe you'll just make out for 20 minutes, and maybe you'll go all the way. Keep the pressure of penetration off the table, or even orgasm and your body will open to more things.
Think of it like this.
Instead of waiting for the rocket to lift off, you either schedule a launch date, or you have all your launch steps and protocols in place ready to go and your rocket standing by for the right conditions.
When the right conditions show up - aka a small subtle invitation inside yourself, or the right invitation from your partner (a topic for another email), then you call the order and implement the prelaunch checklist.
If we go through the prelaunch checklist we aren't guaranteed a seamless lift off but it sure as shit helps.
So what is your prelaunch checklist? Let's play out a scenario.
Step 1. I said yes to the signal.
Literally this morning my hubby came home after dropping the kids off and we found ourselves with some time. My thoughts were - "I've barely had any alone time with his this week maybe we can sit and have tea... when was the last time we had sex, or even really hugged??, some touch would be nice? what if I challenged myself to lean into this right now and make an invitation to, as we call it "snuggles".
Step 2 - We implemented the prelaunch checklist
I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to go all the way, but I knew I wanted to play so, the following things help me get there.
music ( we have a set playlist we go to - hello pavlovian brain response)
typically I like the bed so we start there
privacy - we locked the door and made sure kiddo who was home was still asleep
we got naked - but with no expectations and just lay down to snuggle
a little dirty talk always gets my engines revving.
Now - that is my formula, maybe your formula includes some massage, or laughing together first, or role play, or sharing gratitudes with each other. I figured out this formula by thinking about my top 3 and bottom 3 sexual experiences (by bottom three I don't mean traumatic just not great), and I reflected on the ingredients that made those experiences great and not so great. Then I literally made a list of the things to avoid and the things to include.
I know, I know that might seem mechanical, and may feel that way as you first develop your cheat sheet, but once you get in the habit of rolling it out it will flow more naturally and you can expand and play with it.
Initiation is one of the biggest parts of sex after kids - there are many hurdles to it, including our own brains.The invitation today is to reflect on whether your body is sending you signals or requests for intimacy that are maybe just more subtle or look different then they used to, and to brainstorm your prelaunch checklist and try it out.
Much love,
Sofia - The Happy V
P.S Mastering the art of initiating and the prelaunch checklist are both parts of my new Sex After Kids 9 Month Program. I'm launching this program in October 2024. If you are looking to get out of the post baby sex life rut and back in the sack having Naked Sexy Fun Times on the regular hit reply and I can send you the program details.