Stop waiting for the White Knight of Pleasure
Are you waiting for him (them)? The White Knight of pleasure who will initiate you into your deepest fantasies?
You might not be consciously - but deep down this is a cultural program many of us carry. The gender script that men are the sexual savants and women are the pure and virginal maidens waiting for their White Knight to rescue them, protect them, and initiate them into the world of sexual and carnal pleasure. Or maybe it’s the Dark Knight that we women will tame and while he initiates us to the dark, the sensual, the shadow.
Think Snow White, think Rapunzel, Beauty and the Beast… the list goes on.
We have been taught - as young women, that our pleasure is not our own, that our sensuality is dangerous and dark, that our bodies must be “tamed”, and that only a penis yielding White Knight that we are MARRIED TO, can unleash this part of us. We should not dare to touch ourselves, to know ourselves, and to ask for what we desire.
We teach young men, that they must be sexual savants, sow thier wild oats, become experts of the sexual arts so that they can initiate their maidens into their true womanliness - and their duty to bear children. Endless jokes circulate about male masturbation with almost a singular focus on your own pleasure and your own needs.
Neither of these gender scripts is fair and both lead to massive disappointment in the bedroom. Why?
If you have a body with a vagina - somewhere deep down or not so deep down you are disenfranchised from your pleasure. You are waiting for and expecting your partner to have all the answers, to play your body like an instrument, to bring you to the stars - without any knowledge or awareness for yourself of what will take you there.
If you have a body with a penis, you likely feel a lot of pressure to perform but also perhaps have a singular focus on your own needs and pleasure. You come to the party with a strong sense of what you need, and vague notions, harmful ideas (ahem unhealthy porn), and stereotypes about what she wants. This pressure blocks communication and the manual for the instrument you are trying to play stays out of reach.
So then we are stuck in the cycle - us ladies with massive expectations to be taken on the wild unbridled ride of our dreams, him with focus on himself and no map to navigate to pleasure town.
How do we break free ?
We observe and notice:
How are these gender scripts playing out in my relationship?
What expectations do I have of my partner in sexy time?
What do I think but not say? Am I sharing my needs? Do I know how to pleasure my own body?
How much do we talk during sex, share feedback, fantasies and ideas?
Where am I making assumptions about my partner based on gender stereotypes rather than getting curious about the human I love in front of me?
We decide to do different?
How can I take agency over my own pleasure?
Get to know your own body. Read books, look at and touch your own vulva.
How do I get comfortable sharing my own needs?
First practice with yourself. Can you take three deep breaths and ask yourself what you need right in this moment to make it better? Give yourself permission to do the thing. Flex that muscle and that start asking others for what you need?
How do I get more curious about my partner’s pleasure and needs?
Talk about sex during non sex time. Share your most pleasurable experiences together, get brave and share one fantasy, or a sexy story you love. Ask them to share theirs - they will likely surprise your.
Unlike what the fairytales of your youth will have it - YOU are your own White Knight of Pleasure.
It’s time to start showing up for yourself babe!
And once you do - your partner will have more tools to show up for you too.
Much love
Sofia - Aka the Happy V.
P.S If you are feeling ready to show up for yourself I have a ity bity challenge for you. The Free Light Your Fire Challenge is a five day email challenge delivered right to your inbox. It will support you to learn, how your libido works, get clear on what motivates you to get sexy with your partner, connect with your pleasure (the non sexual kind to start) and open up a dialogue with your partner. Grab it here and start today.