That Tuesday Night I Cried During Sex

This week I offered a tantra dance class for mamas. No one came cause it’s summer in the Yukon and we are all out in the wilds as we should be. But I danced anyways, and my friend Karen came to dance with me. We jirrated, we wiggled our hips, we flailed our arms, we attempted a twerk off. And she introduced me to the song Waterslide by Janelle Monae. Don’t know it! Check out the music video here!!

(Side note - if you want to listen to this story instead catch it on Insta here)

And then I went home. 

Now in order to properly explain what happened next I need to walk you through some tantra basics.

Tantra 101

When I set out to become a sex coach or therapist I looked at a lot of modalities and schools. I landed at Devi Wards Institute for Authentic Tantra Education and what inspired me most about the tantric approach is that it is holistic - i.e it treats my sexuality as core to my being, and it incorporates knowledge and tools to work with the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of sexuality.  

Within the modality that I learned which originates in Tibet, we work with the medicine of Tibetan five elements. These sit in your chakras and they each have a colour, a shape and a sound. Tantra simple means to blend shape and form with sound - so to visualize the colour and shape, and chant the sound of each element. They also each have an energy (sassy, sensual, nasty etc), and a movement that can bring these energies to life. 

When I teach tantric dance I am teaching clients to work with these energies. When we do the movements and work with these elements we loosen the muscles in the pelvis, wake up our libido and sensual energy, make room for blood flow and ultimately clear blocks and traumas that have locked themselves into our bodies (either in our muscles, our nervous system, or our energy system).

We can use these energies non sexually during dance and meditation to support our healing, and we can use them during sex and blend them with the energy of our orgasm to release traumas from our genitals. Every reason your vagina has for clenching, holding on and protecting itself, can be released with this work. Birth trauma, sexual trauma, and just being a person with boobs and a uterus in the wold.

SO, BACK TO THE STORY
Now,

It could have been the fact that I had had the entire day to myself with no kids up to that point. 

It could have been that I had a great visit with my friend that filled my cup. 

And also, I had just spent an our moving my hips working with these energies. 
So I came home a little primed. 

I wasn’t all out horny, but I was willing to entertain the notion of sex if the kids were asleep (which is not always common for me). 

That means I am already winning - shifting things and patterns in the ways I show up in my relationship. 

My partner made a very sweet, very consensual and caring request to go down on me and I said yes - still a little hesitant but ready to try. 

WHEN THE MAGIC HAPPENED

We get to it. 

First thing that happens. I notice judgment arise that I am not getting there very quickly. I am slowly warming up but feel pressure to make some noises to indicate that I am enjoying myself when I am just in the early stages and relaxing into it. I notice myself letting that judgment go, becoming ok that it’s taking the time it takes, and feel my system relax and enjoy a shade more. 

(Another win)

We settle in. I am starting to breathe more heavily. I can feel things shifting for me and momentum is building. 

But we hit a sore spot. The same fucking damn spot. On my left side near the back - where I tore when I delivered both my kids. 

A wave of “get the fuck away from me” feelings washes over me and I squirm away from my husband and wiggle his fingers out of me. 

I breathe. 

I notice some tears in my eyes. Has he noticed?

A little voice whispers in my head.. “Remember, this is just like labour… you can fight what you are feeling, you can resist what your body is trying to release, or you can stay with your body, walk through the feelings and emerge on the other side.”

He waits patiently and I direct him back in. 

All my tantra training comes back to me at that moment .

I ask him to find the spot. To hold his finger where I say and put deep and firm pressure while I breathe. I breathe deeply stimulating my vagus nerve which helps my body stay out of fight or flight and I visualize light of different colors where it hurts. Memories from the birth of my youngest flood in. My pregnancy was hard. And vague intangible memories of assaults, or sex without consent flood through. I can’t see them or name them but I feel them. 

I don’t judge. I don’t try to fight what’s coming, I don’t search for specifics or clarity. 

I just let my body let go. 

I let the muscles in my vagina learn relaxation. 

I let the tears carry the trauma out of my cells. 

I ask my partner to hug me. I am cold. 

He wraps me in a blanket and holds me tight while I wail. 

Encourages me to let it go. Whispers sweetly that I am doing a great job. 

We stay like that for a long time. 

I feel lighter. I feel cared for. I feel seen and supported. 

We watch New Girl and go to bed.

SO WHAT WAS THAT?
And that is the power of somatics my friends. 

I’ve done a fair amount of tantra work - more of it just myself, but some with my hubby when I was doing my training and I never had a release like that in the time we were learning and playing more often. 

I am certain my dance night paved the way for that release. 

When we learn to work with our nervous system. 

When we learn together to create a space of vulnerability and pleasure. 

When we learn how to hold each other through the hards…. 

We can make space for really beautiful connection, and deep intimacy.