Time and Work - Creating Harmony During COVID 19

Hey all, you may have seen some of the articles swirling around the internet about how the pandemic is disproportionately affecting women. That is because, as studies show, we already take on the lion's share of raising the children and cooking and cleaning in the home. Now we must work from home and with kids home from daycare that load has increased like crazy. 

This is not the case for all couples, but for many the distribution of labour and time in families is not equal - often because we play out gender scripts (you are supposed to do these jobs and I am supposed to do these ones) without ever really thinking about how we want it to work. In fact, I recently read a study that talks about how more traditional or old school couples have better distribution of workload because even though they have split things into “pink” and “blue” jobs, there has been a conscious agreement of who does what. In more progressive couples who want to ditch gender norms like this, the balance can be worse, because we don’t want the old model but we don’t actually take the time to create a new model. So we move forward unconscious of the patterns we replay and because we don’t discuss it things get unevenly weighted. This is something I care A LOT about, and it’s something my partner and I are always actively working on. Because, let’s face it, there are more jobs to do than there is time these days, and if you used to rely on childcare that just got even harder.

For me, the “work” or “labour” in a family falls into a few different categories.

1. Work to earn money - someone has to go out and earn money

2. Work to maintain the house,the cars, daily/weekly household chores like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping etc. 

3. Work to raise the kids - play, teaching, outside time, cooking meals, managing fights etc. 

4. Work to take care of myself and my relationship: me time, relaxation time, couples time etc - not really work but it is a way we spend time and need to spend time for self care

5. Work to worry and think about all these things - emotional labour - who is worrying and thinking about these things and who is doing them. There is a difference.
   
   
   
   

Often many of these categories are collapsed into one job. The stay at home mom for example typically does job 2, job 3, and job 5 and that is considered one job. It’s not - it’s way more than that. And it feels like more than that, which is why we get so resentful.

So what do we do about it? 

Get talking. Think through how the jobs are distributed in your family right now, ask yourselves if it’s working, and start experimenting with how to change it. Below I’ve detailed a six step process for having this conversation and hint - your kids can be part of this too. They can do jobs - yup they can. 

At the heart of all of this is really two things. 

1. Mom can not and should not do everything (see my article on being super mom) and;

2. Asking for help is critical! Carrying the burden of this weight and getting naggy about it won’t change the pattern. Engaging your partner in a constructive conversation about the needs of your family and how you can work together as a team to address them is much more likely to succeed.  

Here’s my Process

Step 1) Make a list of all the things you both do in the house and all the things that need to be done to keep things running smoothly. Think about: 

• Activities that make money

• Kid time

• School time 

• Cleaning time

• Cooking time 

• Household errands

• Maintenance

• Workout time

• Relaxation time and other self care

• Personal projects/ social time

• Couple time

• And yes - SEX time

Step 2) Look over the list and think about how much time it takes to do each job. Also if any jobs happen at a specific time (like work or kid school) write that down. For example, how many hours a day do you spend cooking and cleaning? How much are you both working and at what times, how much time would you like for self care or exercise etc. 

Step 3) Look through the list and think about how things are going right now. Who is doing what? Assign a name to each task. Where you both do a task equally write both names. If you both do a bit of one task but one person does way more of it, than put that person’s name down. Be real with each other. Don’t use this as an opportunity to shame and blame, just try to lay out the facts and keep it neutral. We want to be curious about how time and work is being distributed so we can change it. 

Step 4) Take stock. 

• Does one person’s name appear more than another’s?

• Does one person seem to be doing more of a certain kind of task than the other? 

• Are their jobs that are not getting done - most likely - but really should be?

• Is there time you are not getting (like me time or sexy time) 

• What is working well in this picture?

• What is not working well? 

Try to avoid being judgemental here and try to avoid getting lost in the way things have been. Where possible congratulate yourselves for actually taking a look at this and setting the intention for how you want to move forward. 

Step 5) Reallocate. 

• I like to start by assigning names to non-negotiable tasks. If you have to work from 9-5 every day and that’s not changing, start with that. 

• Then go to things you like to do or don’t mind doing. Maybe he doesn’t mind washing the bathroom and you actually love doing laundry - great!

• Then look at what’s left and see how you want to split it up. 

Remember this doesn’t have to look a certain way. People split the labour and jobs in their families many different ways, the main point is that it feels fair and workable to both of you. This is yours to create. You can also use this as a way to filter values through your decision making. Are you both focusing on tasks and spending your time in ways that line up with what you value?

Step 6) Time Block
I love time blocking - It’s a great way to visualize how you are spending your time. It can be done as a total thought experiment as a way of doing the math on how much time you have and what you are trying to achieve in that time, or it can be used literally to help you decide when to do what. 

Here’s an example of the current schedule we are working with at our house in time block form. We each get one night off a week to do as we please. 

1. We are working on a date night once a week - thank you grandma. 

2. We rotate who is in charge of dinner. 

3. We each work 2.5 days a week

4. We take turns homeschooling and watching the kids

5. I do laundry cause he hates it. 

6. He cleans the bathroom.

7. He does car maintenance chores.

8. We both sweep and do general clean up. 

9. Whoever didn’t cook does dishes.

 This is a working schedule. On any given day it might change as we respond to how each person is doing. If it’s Dan’s night off and I have a splitting headache - we change the plan. Structure and flexibility - and lots of grace as we figure it out. And that’s it my friends.

This is an iterative process, which means you start with one idea and try it out and you keep the dialogue going about what is working and what is not working until you find a rhythm that works - and then something in life will change and you’ll have to shift. The point is to be intentional about it, to talk about it, and to keep the conversation going. 

Have you done something like this before? How do you split the chores and time and labour in your house? Send me your tips, your trials and tribulations.

Much love, 

Sofia