What to do if you are the higher libido partner.

90% of the calls I get are from women who are struggling with a lack of sex drive. Typically what this means is that they desire sex less often then their partner and this can create stress and tension in the relationship. I advise them in all kinds of ways. I support them to reconnect with their pleasure, dig into what’s blocking them, understand their unique libido, and develop strategies to work with their body instead of against it. 

But what do you do if you are the partner with the higher libido. Regardless of the kind of relationship and the genders at play, mismatched libidos happen - party because - libidos are not static things. They wax and wane in response to many things. This is true for bodies with penises and bodies with vaginas. In today’s blog I want to talk about a couple of things you can do when you are the human with the higher libido to create  a shift towards more satisfaction for both of you. 

1. Shift your perspective.
   
   Whether this has always been the case or whether it came on suddenly I urge you to avoid thinking of your partner as broken. Banish that thought from your mind. Libidos, for all humans, have many interconnected parts, and it takes only one or two to start to sway how it works. Everyone has a unique libido that works in its own way and often, where there is a shift in libido, there is a shift in health, stress, body image, hormones or relationship stability. We all respond to these kinds of shifts differently. Start by ditching the jugement and don’t you dare tell yourself this is your partner’s problem to solve. This is the time to get curious. This is a time to say ”hey - our libidos are not matched up right now. What should we do about that”?
   

2. Learn how libidos work.
   
   We aren’t all walking around with our pilot lights aflame. In fact, 70% of us are not, regardless of gender. Desire is mostly responsive. That means it RESPONDS to input, it doesn’t just spontaneously turn on. Your nervous system, your stress response, your trauma, what turns you on and off, they are all part of a system. Learning about that system and your unique libido - as well as the libido of your partner - helps you to build a common vocabulary and trouble shoot together. I
   
   would argue that one of the biggest roadblocks in most people’s way is what they THINK they know about libido, or what they ASSUME about how sex works. Get some books, learn together, map out each others libidos so you get intimate with the levers and pulleys of the system. My biggest recommend on this topic is Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski.
   
   Watch my short primer on the dual control model here.
   
   I don’t have any book recommends specifically about penises and libido (I’ll need to do some reading) but a quick search online reveals plenty of titles to explore together.
   
   

3. Open up the conversation.
   
   So often we go into our sex lives without much thought, intention or curiosity. Often because of societal taboos. When your partner has a sudden shift in libido, or over time you notice it waning, it’s a perfect time to open up the dialogue. Explore why sex matters to you, to your relationship? Why do it? What is it for? How does it support you? There’s a lot to explore in these discussions that can bring you closer and present solutions you had not ever considered before.
   
   

4. Meet them where they are at 
   
   Pressure to have sex, specifically intercourse, even the thought of it, can be a real struggle for a person whose libido engine’s are not firing right now. The more you bring things up as a problem, the more you complain, the more you stress about it, the more pressure your partner feels, the more their desire goes underground. The biggest piece of advice I can offer is to meet your partner where they are at. Circle back to piece of advice number two. Learn what turns your partner on, learn what relaxes their body. Learn energy work techniques, breath work and touch that can support your partner to come into their body and their senses and relax and feel safe. The more you do this, the more you create a space for your partners body to open up and have a positive experience, which begets more positive experiences. Get playful on this one. Have a naked sexy fun times. No clothes. No expectations. Only fun and pleasure. Get my Free Naked Sexy Fun Times Playbook for my step-by-step instructions on how to do this. 
   

5. Craft a sex life that works together
   
   Last but not least this is your opportunity to craft the sex life that you crave together - much like you craft the life you want together. Are you being intentional about your choices? Are you considering everyone’s needs? Are you thinking outside the box about how to please each other. Satisfying sex is not about penises going into vaginas it’s about getting vulnerable and experiencing pleasure together. There’s never been a better time to invest in a sex ed redo. You will do yourself, your marriage, and even your kids a favour. 

The bottom line is you are both in this together. The more one you is enduring sex to give the other what they want - the more likely you are to create a disaster down the road. Communicate often and openly, dare to face your fears and shames and taboos, talk about sex in our relationship and support each other to go deep into pleasure and connection. Cause that’s really the point, isn’t it?

Let me know what you think in the comments or send me an email at sofia@thehappyvaginaproject.com.  I’m also opening up my Libido Revivial Mini course - it’s perfect for couples who want to learn more about what impacts libido and how they can support each other plus I share my conversation guide and tips on how to have an effective conversation about your sex life. Hit me up if you want to learn more.