On Being Super Mom

Tune into this week’s #letstalksextuesday to join in the conversation about whether the “Supermom” stereotype hurts or hinders mom’s!

“There are super moms everywhere - we can carry 15 bags of groceries and pick up the kid and feed the dog… there’s nothing wrong with that but it’s how we relate to that. I am doing it all, nobody is here to help me, nobody sees what I go through on a daily basis - that’s the story.”

- A guest on the  Balance and Motherhood Podcast with Sarah Bivens.

I heard this interview on a podcast the other day. It hit me like a punch in the gut. I am definitely someone who derives pleasure and satisfaction from how much I do, accomplish or finish in a day, or week or month. I get off, for lack of a better term, on this vision of myself with a baby strapped to my back, hands full of groceries, kiddo perfectly fed and happy, house spotless and feeling like I am KILLING IT. It makes me feel powerful, like I can do anything, cause I DO IT ALL> 

And while there isn’t anything inherently wrong with that - It does actually make me feel calm, and good and sort of finished for the day when my kitchen is clean and sorted. It is flawed thinking. 

Cause if I dig underneath it, it takes me back to questions of worth and worthiness, value and what makes us useful or what makes us enough. 

Is power really about how much you can do in a day? 

Is power really about doing everything for everyone all of the time?

Is power really about keeping everyone happy? 

Is power really about my ability to do it all? 

Ugh, when I put it like that I am like FUCK NO. 

Power is knowing my strengths and playing to them as often as possible. 

Power is knowing what I need and giving myself permission to have it. Especially if what I need is rest.  

Power is knowing what I need and asking for help when I need it. Power is saying no. 

Power is setting limits. 

Power is building up others to do for themselves, letting them fail, and watching them pick themselves back up again. Power is knowing that I am in charge of my choices. Choices about how I respond to and initiate situations.

So maybe we need to change our image of super mom. She’s not this lone horse who is supporting her family and the world all on her own. She is not the one who knows where everyone’s things are, aware of and at every single meeting ever, fit and healthy, bubbly and happy, with perfect meals on the table and an immaculate house.

This myth sets us up to feeling like nothing but failures. To keep us feeling not enough. To keep us buying solutions, dieting, and working harder and harder and harder for results, answers and ultimately happiness.

It also totally dissempowers our partners. It reduces them to useless boobs who provide money and maybe a little entertainment but otherwise do not provide cause we provide - cause we are super mom and we don’t need a man’s help - or anyone’s help.

Who wants that? Do you want that? I don’t want that?

We used to raise families in villages  - cause it’s unreasonable to expect one couple, one person to do it alone. (Shout out to all the single parents who are working so hard in a society that does not support them) It is enough to rest with the baby today, it is enough to go to yoga and take care of your body, it is enough to go for a walk, to ask others to cook today, to binge watch Netflix, to dance like you just don’t care. It is enough to just be.

I’d like to propose a different version of super mom. In the podcast I was listening to they called it being an Orgasmic mom. A mom who is deeply in tune with herself and all of the things that give her pleasure. A mom who prioritizes herself, knowing this feeds her family too, and takes care of taking care of things so she can do what she needs by asking for help. A mom who prioritizes laughter, and fun and play. A mom who knows that her relationship is a place of safety and support if she nurtures it. A mom who knows that she is enough, as she is, all the time. Regardless of what she got DONE today.

I’m still working on this one. One tool I use it to make sure I add things like - take a nap - call a friend - masturbate - meditate - do nothing - to my to do list. This helps me to remember that just being is enough. 

It is enough my friend. 

I’d love to hear lovelies - how do you define super mom vs orgasmic mom?  What image conjures in your mind, and how do you stay connected to you through it all. 

I’d love to hear. 

Much love. 

Sofia AKA The Happy V.