Puberty Refresher - For Parents of Pre-teens and Tweens

Think you know all of puberty’s changes like the back of your hand? Got a handle on how to explain them to your 7, 10, or 12 year old? If you can’t remember exactly everything that happens or you are looking for some ways to explain it - then look no further. This week’s post is on the longer side. I go through each change (the ones that are common to all bodies) and give you what you need to know with some conversation prompts to explore with your kiddos. I don’t go into detail about menstruation (we’ll save that for another time) as there is lots to explore already. Got questions? Hit me up with an email sofia@thehappyvaginaproject.com. Ok so what is Puberty Again and when does it Happen?

Puberty is when our body makes the transition from kid body to grown up body. 

It typically starts between the ages of 8-13 for bodies with vaginas and age 10-14 for bodies with penises. It ends around age 16 - although bodies with penises in particular can take until 21 or older to fully finish the transition. 

(Does anyone else remember all the guys suddenly sprouting beards in grade 12?) 

We all have our own internal alarm clock called the pituitary gland. It will start releasing oestrogen and testosterone to start the process. We cannot control when our alarm clock goes off. 

Some bodies start early and finish fast. 

Some bodies start early and go slow. 

Some bodies start late and go slow. 

Some bodies start late and finish fast. 

It's all normal. And a perfect chance to build that relationship of acceptance and love with our body. It's perfect as it is, it will change and transform at it's own pace. We can work with our bodies or against them. The choice is ours. 

And that my friends is how you can introduce puberty to your kiddos at almost any age. Preferably before they start to notice any changes. 

Change #1 THINGS GET BIGGER

Usually extremities first. So if your kid hops 3 shoe sizes in a summer, or their arms all of a sudden get disproportionately long - the changes are a coming. Genitals start to grow bigger at this point too. 

It's a great time to comment with love and start conversations about...

- how cool their body is and all the things it can do 

- what puberty is and what they can expect 

- how they are feeling about these changes or what they are noticing (they may start tripping a lot or bumping into things as they lose body coordination from miss matched limbs) 

- how others might be going through the same changes and we never tease or make fun of people's bodies and body changes. 

Change #2 - Growth Spurts

Growth spurts are probably the most common thing we think of when we think puberty. There are four different ways that kids grow and it's important for them to know that all of them are normal. 

1. The Sudden Growth Spurt - bam they are 10 inches taller one day

2. The Ninja - one day out of nowhere you realized that they've grown 

3. The Stair Climber - up 2 inches, up 2 more inches, and 2 more - like steps. 

4. The turtle - these are the late growers. They feel like they are going to be short FOREVER and everyone else has grown. All of a sudden they grow. 

It's really important, especially for type #4 that they know that EVERYONE GETS TALLER unless they have a specific medical syndrome or disability. They will develop a grown up body. Puberty has its own timeline.

Change #3 -  Mads Sads and Glads

Ah - emotions and hormones. If you gave birth recently-ish you will know this all too well. 

During puberty the body is flooded with testosterone and oestrogen. Kids can start the day feeling happy, get to school and feel angry for no reason, then feel sad out of the blue and go back to happy. Small things become BIG things overnight. Tears and anger can be common.

Not only does this leave our kids feeling confused about why they are feeling this way but it increases the chances for conflict with us as parents and also with their friends. Emotions are high, their reactions are not always rational - their brain is literally rewiring itself the way a hard drive cleans itself out.

So a reminder to us parents - to take big deep breaths. Don't take their outbursts and sensitivity personally, give them language and tools and space to process their feelings and cope. And, give them lots of space and support to process shifting friendships and other stresses that are going on in their world. 

-Late night chats are awesome.

-Sharing a journal and writing back to each other is amazing.

-Get The Big Life Journal with prompts and mindfulness hacks.

-Learn meditation and mindfulness as a family

-Work with a coach or read up to up level your parenting skills - especially your communication and LISTENING skills. 

Your child is learning to express themselves and their autonomy, they are learning how to manage and process their emotions and they are on one hell of a roller coaster ride. Understanding, listening and support are better than most discipline at this time. 

Change #4 - Crushes

Ooh Crushes. 

Some kids hit the romance hard and others could care less.

Crushes, a sudden feeling of shyness or weirdness around others, a sense of attraction (romantic or sexual) all hit at this time. 

This is how our body functions  - it's evolution. 

Kids may come home saying they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or say they kissed someone, or start to get weird around those they are attracted to (which can ramp up the mads sads and glads). 

- This is a great time to let them know that ...

- romantic and sexual attraction are normal feelings.

- friendships are serious business. They take a lot of work and care to make sure we don't hurt people's feelings and relationships are like this but even more so. At a young age it's great to just practice our friendship skills before going into a relationship.

- relationships and sexual attraction come in all shapes and sizes. Girls can like girls, boys can like boys, we can like no one - and all of it is ok. 

Kids also pick up and pantomime almost everything they see in movies so this is also a great time to start asking them what they think being boyfriend, girlfriend means - you might be surprised by what they say.  Also when you watch movies talk about what's going on in romance scenes. For example - Pepe le Pew is a perfect cartoon to watch together to dissect consent - the girl skunk says No with her words and body sooo much and Pepe just isn't reading the signs. Not Ok. 

Finally  - consent is king or queen here. This is when we start to really reiterate the concept of personal boundaries. We don't touch people or play games with them or interact with them unless they say YES. 

This is one where we as parents can react super strongly because the fears of the future hit us like a ton of bricks. Remind yourself not to see their kid world through your adult eyes, get really curious about their perspectives and thoughts, challenge your assumptions and learn what you need to learn. 

Change #5 - Hair, Hair Everywhere

Hair, Hair everywhere. 

Puberty brings out our inner mammal. 

- Hair on the arms and legs gets thicker and darker

- Hair on the armpits will arrive

- Hair on the face will arrive (typically later on) 

- Hair will start growing in the pubic area and bum

- Hair may grow on the chest/back as well

Kids will often be exposed to regular ads for shaving creams and razors - especially women. This is a great time to talk about personal grooming choices (older girls my wonder if they "have to" shave their pubic area or legs). 

Take your kid to the pharmacy, show them the kinds of the razors and creams, teach them how to use them each item, how to be safe, and what to do if they get cut. Let them know it's their body their choice. They should never feel any pressure to look a certain way or do anything to their body. Change #6 - Body Odour

Did you know you get a new armpit when you hit puberty?

Well, you get a new gland that produces a new kind of sweat. 

A kind of sweat gland SMELLS. 

That means that the days of once a week baths are over. 

Some kids will experience much more sweat than others. And some will produce more body odour than others. 

This is the time to double up our efforts on the personal hygiene front. 

Get them their own bar of soap or body wash. Remind them they need to soap up and scrub, EVERYWHERE. And they may need to shower after heavy activity, and keep that soccer/hockey gear clean. 

Change #7 - Acne

Pimples, pimples, pimples. 

Some kids are proud of their very first, and some want to die of embarrassment. As the oil production in our bodies changes there are more opportunities for oil to get caught in the skin and make pimples. As we all know everyone's body reacts to this differently but the treatment is the same. 

Wash your face. 

With soap and water. 

Regularly but not too much. 

Fancy creams and spot cover ups can help etc but kids really just need to wash their face with warm water and soap once or twice a day. If they wash too much it dries out the skin which produces more oil ... you get the point. That being said, some kids need more advanced medical treatment - so going to a doc can be helpful. 

I remember when my kid sister hit puberty - mostly cause I entered her bathroom and saw the line up of Clean and Clear products. OMG I was transported back in time to my own obsession over any product that would keep my face blemish free. 

Again we can use this as a conversation around self-esteem, loving your body and caring for it in a natural way. We can also talk about commercials, how they like to pray on our insecurities and make us want things we don't really need all while acknowledging that if a product makes you feel good about your body and skin then you do you. 

Changes for Bodies with Vaginas. 

Some changes of puberty are different for bodies with penises and vaginas. That's because testosterone and oestrogen are released in different amounts based on our DNA. 

Bodies with vaginas or more oestrogen will see. 

- A widening of the hips and redistribution of fatty cells

- Breast development (which can start as painful nipples and small buds) 

- Your first Period. 

Breast can be sore as they start to develop so listen for your kiddos complaints. Training bras and bra tank tops can be a great choice at this age to provide additional coverage and get them used to wearing a bra. 

There's a lot to say about periods so I won't go into all of it here. The main thing is kiddos need to know this is going to happen before it does. They should be familiar with how it will occur and have a basic understanding of the tools they will need. As your kiddo approaches puberty age build a prep kit together for their locker or backpack with a pad, period undies (or pack up undies, and maybe even a spare pair or pants). This way they will feel ready anywhere, anytime - or as ready as you can feel. 

I can't tell you how many clients tell me their parents threw them a book and that was the end of the convo. Talk with your kids about your experience, show them your tampons, or diva cup or whatever you use. Get them their own hot water bottle and period journal. 

Periods don't have to be viewed as these negative things to endure - but that's a whole other story. 

Most importantly think about how you learned about your period - what was great and what was not, and what you hope for for your kiddo's experience. 

Changes for bodies with Penises

Some changes of puberty are different for bodies with penises and vaginas. That's because testosterone and oestrogen are released in different amounts based on our DNA. 

Bodies with vaginas or more oestrogen will see. 

- a widening of the shoulders

- voice changes 

- wet dreams as a result of sperm production beginning

- random erections

Female bodies are born with all their eggs inside the ovary, but male bodies do not produce sperm until testosterone begins to be released in the body. When there is an excess of sperm in the body it can be released at night. 

Just like periods, our kiddos should know this may happen and that it is normal before they experience it. Teach them to clean up their sheets, or let them know they can always tell you when it happens - it's as normal as going number 1 and 2. 

Random erections can be tough to navigate - especially at school. Again here it's important for our kids to know this is the body going through changes. Erections can be triggered by sexual thoughts or inputs but also they may just happen for no reason at all. The only thing to do is wait them out and wear clothes that don't stimulate the penis. It will end, they will grow out of it and get more control over their erections.

And that’s your basic primer mamma. If you want to chat more about what’s going on in your house hit me up. I do family consults and lessons and if you are local we can even set up a parent learning night or a puberty 101 hang out with your kids. Talk to you soon. 

Think you know all of puberty’s changes like the back of your hand? Got a handle on how to explain them to your 7, 10, or 12 year old? If you can’t remember exactly everything that happens or you are looking for some ways to explain it - then look no further. This week’s post is on the longer side. I go through each change (the ones that are common to all bodies) and give you what you need to know with some conversation prompts to explore with your kiddos. I don’t go into detail about menstruation (we’ll save that for another time) as there is lots to explore already. Got questions? Hit me up with an email sofia@thehappyvaginaproject.com. Ok so what is Puberty Again and when does it Happen?Puberty is when our body makes the transition from kid body to grown up body. 

It typically starts between the ages of 8-13 for bodies with vaginas and age 10-14 for bodies with penises. It ends around age 16 - although bodies with penises in particular can take until 21 or older to fully finish the transition. 

(Does anyone else remember all the guys suddenly sprouting beards in grade 12?) 

We all have our own internal alarm clock called the pituitary gland. It will start releasing oestrogen and testosterone to start the process. We cannot control when our alarm clock goes off. 

Some bodies start early and finish fast. 

Some bodies start early and go slow. 

Some bodies start late and go slow. 

Some bodies start late and finish fast. 

It's all normal. And a perfect chance to build that relationship of acceptance and love with our body. It's perfect as it is, it will change and transform at it's own pace. We can work with our bodies or against them. The choice is ours. 

And that my friends is how you can introduce puberty to your kiddos at almost any age. Preferably before they start to notice any changes. 

Change #1 THINGS GET BIGGER

Usually extremities first. So if your kid hops 3 shoe sizes in a summer, or their arms all of a sudden get disproportionately long - the changes are a coming. Genitals start to grow bigger at this point too. 

It's a great time to comment with love and start conversations about...

- how cool their body is and all the things it can do 

- what puberty is and what they can expect 

- how they are feeling about these changes or what they are noticing (they may start tripping a lot or bumping into things as they lose body coordination from miss matched limbs) 

- how others might be going through the same changes and we never tease or make fun of people's bodies and body changes. 

Change #2 - Growth Spurts

Growth spurts are probably the most common thing we think of when we think puberty. There are four different ways that kids grow and it's important for them to know that all of them are normal. 

1. The Sudden Growth Spurt - bam they are 10 inches taller one day

2. The Ninja - one day out of nowhere you realized that they've grown 

3. The Stair Climber - up 2 inches, up 2 more inches, and 2 more - like steps. 

4. The turtle - these are the late growers. They feel like they are going to be short FOREVER and everyone else has grown. All of a sudden they grow. 

It's really important, especially for type #4 that they know that EVERYONE GETS TALLER unless they have a specific medical syndrome or disability. They will develop a grown up body. Puberty has its own timelineChange #3 -  Mads Sads and Glads

Ah - emotions and hormones. If you gave birth recently-ish you will know this all too well. 

During puberty the body is flooded with testosterone and oestrogen. Kids can start the day feeling happy, get to school and feel angry for no reason, then feel sad out of the blue and go back to happy. Small things become BIG things overnight. Tears and anger can be common.

Not only does this leave our kids feeling confused about why they are feeling this way but it increases the chances for conflict with us as parents and also with their friends. Emotions are high, their reactions are not always rational - their brain is literally rewiring itself the way a hard drive cleans itself out.

So a reminder to us parents - to take big deep breaths. Don't take their outbursts and sensitivity personally, give them language and tools and space to process their feelings and cope. And, give them lots of space and support to process shifting friendships and other stresses that are going on in their world. 

-Late night chats are awesome.

-Sharing a journal and writing back to each other is amazing.

-Get The Big Life Journal with prompts and mindfulness hacks.

-Learn meditation and mindfulness as a family

-Work with a coach or read up to up level your parenting skills - especially your communication and LISTENING skills. 

Your child is learning to express themselves and their autonomy, they are learning how to manage and process their emotions and they are on one hell of a roller coaster ride. Understanding, listening and support are better than most discipline at this time. 

. 

Change #4 - Crushes

Ooh Crushes. 

Some kids hit the romance hard and others could care less.

Crushes, a sudden feeling of shyness or weirdness around others, a sense of attraction (romantic or sexual) all hit at this time. 

This is how our body functions  - it's evolution. 

Kids may come home saying they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or say they kissed someone, or start to get weird around those they are attracted to (which can ramp up the mads sads and glads). 

- This is a great time to let them know that ...

- romantic and sexual attraction are normal feelings.

- friendships are serious business. They take a lot of work and care to make sure we don't hurt people's feelings and relationships are like this but even more so. At a young age it's great to just practice our friendship skills before going into a relationship.

- relationships and sexual attraction come in all shapes and sizes. Girls can like girls, boys can like boys, we can like no one - and all of it is ok. 

Kids also pick up and pantomime almost everything they see in movies so this is also a great time to start asking them what they think being boyfriend, girlfriend means - you might be surprised by what they say.  Also when you watch movies talk about what's going on in romance scenes. For example - Pepe le Pew is a perfect cartoon to watch together to dissect consent - the girl skunk says No with her words and body sooo much and Pepe just isn't reading the signs. Not Ok. 

Finally  - consent is king or queen here. This is when we start to really reiterate the concept of personal boundaries. We don't touch people or play games with them or interact with them unless they say YES. 

This is one where we as parents can react super strongly because the fears of the future hit us like a ton of bricks. Remind yourself not to see their kid world through your adult eyes, get really curious about their perspectives and thoughts, challenge your assumptions and learn what you need to learn. 

Change #5 - Hair, Hair Everywhere

Hair, Hair everywhere. 

Puberty brings out our inner mammal. 

- Hair on the arms and legs gets thicker and darker

- Hair on the armpits will arrive

- Hair on the face will arrive (typically later on) 

- Hair will start growing in the pubic area and bum

- Hair may grow on the chest/back as well

Kids will often be exposed to regular ads for shaving creams and razors - especially women. This is a great time to talk about personal grooming choices (older girls my wonder if they "have to" shave their pubic area or legs). 

Take your kid to the pharmacy, show them the kinds of the razors and creams, teach them how to use them each item, how to be safe, and what to do if they get cut. Let them know it's their body their choice. They should never feel any pressure to look a certain way or do anything to their body. Change #6 - Body Odour

Did you know you get a new armpit when you hit puberty?

Well, you get a new gland that produces a new kind of sweat. 

A kind of sweat gland SMELLS. 

That means that the days of once a week baths are over. 

Some kids will experience much more sweat than others. And some will produce more body odour than others. 

This is the time to double up our efforts on the personal hygiene front. 

Get them their own bar of soap or body wash. Remind them they need to soap up and scrub, EVERYWHERE. And they may need to shower after heavy activity, and keep that soccer/hockey gear clean. 

Change #7 - Acne

Pimples, pimples, pimples. 

Some kids are proud of their very first, and some want to die of embarrassment. As the oil production in our bodies changes there are more opportunities for oil to get caught in the skin and make pimples. As we all know everyone's body reacts to this differently but the treatment is the same. 

Wash your face. 

With soap and water. 

Regularly but not too much. 

Fancy creams and spot cover ups can help etc but kids really just need to wash their face with warm water and soap once or twice a day. If they wash too much it dries out the skin which produces more oil ... you get the point. That being said, some kids need more advanced medical treatment - so going to a doc can be helpful. 

I remember when my kid sister hit puberty - mostly cause I entered her bathroom and saw the line up of Clean and Clear products. OMG I was transported back in time to my own obsession over any product that would keep my face blemish free. 

Again we can use this as a conversation around self-esteem, loving your body and caring for it in a natural way. We can also talk about commercials, how they like to pray on our insecurities and make us want things we don't really need all while acknowledging that if a product makes you feel good about your body and skin then you do you. 

Changes for Bodies with Vaginas. 

Some changes of puberty are different for bodies with penises and vaginas. That's because testosterone and oestrogen are released in different amounts based on our DNA. 

Bodies with vaginas or more oestrogen will see. 

- A widening of the hips and redistribution of fatty cells

- Breast development (which can start as painful nipples and small buds) 

- Your first Period. 

Breast can be sore as they start to develop so listen for your kiddos complaints. Training bras and bra tank tops can be a great choice at this age to provide additional coverage and get them used to wearing a bra. 

There's a lot to say about periods so I won't go into all of it here. The main thing is kiddos need to know this is going to happen before it does. They should be familiar with how it will occur and have a basic understanding of the tools they will need. As your kiddo approaches puberty age build a prep kit together for their locker or backpack with a pad, period undies (or pack up undies, and maybe even a spare pair or pants). This way they will feel ready anywhere, anytime - or as ready as you can feel. 

I can't tell you how many clients tell me their parents threw them a book and that was the end of the convo. Talk with your kids about your experience, show them your tampons, or diva cup or whatever you use. Get them their own hot water bottle and period journal. 

Periods don't have to be viewed as these negative things to endure - but that's a whole other story. 

Most importantly think about how you learned about your period - what was great and what was not, and what you hope for for your kiddo's experience. 

Changes for bodies with Penises

Some changes of puberty are different for bodies with penises and vaginas. That's because testosterone and oestrogen are released in different amounts based on our DNA. 

Bodies with vaginas or more oestrogen will see. 

- a widening of the shoulders

- voice changes 

- wet dreams as a result of sperm production beginning

- random erections

Female bodies are born with all their eggs inside the ovary, but male bodies do not produce sperm until testosterone begins to be released in the body. When there is an excess of sperm in the body it can be released at night. 

Just like periods, our kiddos should know this may happen and that it is normal before they experience it. Teach them to clean up their sheets, or let them know they can always tell you when it happens - it's as normal as going number 1 and 2. 

Random erections can be tough to navigate - especially at school. Again here it's important for our kids to know this is the body going through changes. Erections can be triggered by sexual thoughts or inputs but also they may just happen for no reason at all. The only thing to do is wait them out and wear clothes that don't stimulate the penis. It will end, they will grow out of it and get more control over their erections.

And that’s your basic primer mamma. If you want to chat more about what’s going on in your house hit me up. I do family consults and lessons and if you are local we can even set up a parent learning night or a puberty 101 hang out with your kids.

Talk to you soon. 

Sofia