Is 2020 the Year of "Mission Reclaim Your Sexy?"
As the fireworks exploded in the night sky and showered us with their brilliant colours and shimmering lights I reflected on my 2019, and on the last decade of my life. I was thinking about all the usual things - you know - career, house, kids, how I feel in general every day…. and then I thought to myself, “How have I evolved as a sexual being over the last decade?”.
How have I evolved as a sexual being over the last decade?
When if ever, have you asked yourself that question?
So I started thinking about the boyfriends I had, the kind of sex I was having, how I was showing up sexually (for myself and for my partners), the good times and the not as great times. How am I showing up to my sexuality? How am I showing up in the bedroom? How am I showing up in the most intimate space I share with another human?I spent most of my early 20s chasing sex like it was love and learing the hard way, over and over again that it was not.
When I finally did get the love part, I had a really hard time leaning into my erotic imagination. I was shy, always embarrassed about my body, nervous to try new things, always worried about how long things were taking me, often frustrated that even though things felt amazing I would never find the big O. I talked about it openly - friends would often ask me if I’d had one yet. And yet for my all my talking, and worrying and fretting I wasn't actually DOING or EXPLORING a lot to get myself there. Sure I may have read a few books. But mostly I was busy complaining, blaming my body for not cooperating and refusing to do anything about it. About half-way through the decade, newly single I hooked up with an ex for some fun. As we fumbled around in my bed I could not believe how little he had evolved or changed, and in contrast, how much I had. Though I was still super poor at communicating, I was yelling at him in my head -” relax man, slow down, chill out”. He seemed, so full of anxiety, so uncomfortable in his own skin, so unable to just melt into pleasure. Everything about it was hurried and rushed. The fact that I could observe this, not blame myself, and see what was going on was a game changer for me. Now, more than five years later. I have finally DONE something about it. It, being my sex life. It’s an ever evolving process with a hard left on the road towards kidsville that has really shifted things but I am so proud to say that in the last ten years I have….
Learned what an orgasm feels like in my body and how to have one
Become a masterful masturbator who knows how to work her body but also slow down, get curious and play
Gotten seriously familiar with my turn ons and what I need to relax into sex with my partner
Improved my sexual communication 1000% (though there is still much room for improvement). I no longer sit there thinking “to the left please to the left please”, I just say it.
Totally shifted my sexpectations, though new ones emerge daily, so that we can have more playful and curious sexual exploration
Become a tantrica who knows how to use energy work and breathing techniques to next level my sexual experience and my sense of connection with my partner
Learned centurie’s old tools to release my sexual “stuff” and open my body up to more pleasure.
Most of all I have learned how to be in dialogue with my body and my spirit. I know how to talk to my vagina, I know how to give her what she needs because I bother to ask. 10 years ago we were at war, and these days we are getting along pretty good. Now things are not all roses, my sex life is far from where I want it to be - kids, fatigue, lack of privacy, and low sex drive are my blocks these days. But the difference is that 2020 Sofia knows how to manage these things. She knows how to be compassionate with herself, she knows how to reconnect, she knows how to bring spark to her relationship and she knows how to prioritize her sexuality when she is ready.
Do you? When you think about who you as a sexual human today, do you like what you see? You may not, and I want to start by telling you that it’s almost entirely not your fault. All those things holding me back in my 20s, they were impossible beauty standards, stereotypes about frigid women, sexpectations from society up the whazzoo, negative cultural scripts about how men and women “should” behave during sex, trauma, and so much more. The part that was my fault, was staying in victim mode for as long as I did. Avoiding my sexual power because it is a radical thing to claim our pleasure as our own. What kind of sexual human to do you want to be? What would that even look like? If this is resonating and you are feeling its time to get on a mission to reclaim your sexy then here’s three tips for getting there.
Masturbate - yup, masturbate - I’ll say it again if I have to. Get to know yourself, get acquainted with your body, stop neglecting, ignoring and judging her like society does - dust off the cobwebs and say hello. Check out my blog post for more thoughts on why HERE.
Reflect with yourself, open up a conversation with your partner. Your sex life is yours to craft, if you actually do the work to create it. Here’s some questions to reflect on:
Why does sex matter to you, to your relationship?
What do you want sex to feel and look like?
What’s in your way right now?
What’s one thing you could shift right now, today to get closer to your goal
Add more pleasure and joy into your life. Sounds too simple right, and what does that have to do with sex? Well if you are not often in the mood, if you are struggling to connect with your partner or if you are having a hard time even wanting to connecting with yourself - I’m going to suggest that good old fashioned FUN is the antidote. How often do you dance in your living room with wild abandon, or belt a song at the top of your lungs, when was the last time you full belly laughed about something with your partner, do you flirt, are you cheeky sometimes, how much pleasure of all kinds for all your senses and your whole being are you having in your life. Stress will bury your sex drive and your joy de vivre. Pleasure will reclaim it, and bust the stress too (BONUS!).
That’s all my loves. Have a very Happy New Year. I hope January brings you much joy, reflection and self love time. Sofia
PS - Sometimes it’s hard to go this journey alone. Sometimes we need a little outside motivation and inspiration, sometimes we need a new perspective and sometimes we just need some information. If you are really wanting to get serious then reach out for a discovery call. We’ll talk about what’s going on for you right now, my top tips for getting you moving forward and how we can work together to get you sexually expressed and alive in 2020. Talk to you soon .