My Kids Is Asking About SEX?! - What to Teach When
Hey there mamma,
If you are reading this you are either dreading or have encountered your first “mommy where do babies come from” question. Perhaps your kids are a little bit older, fascinated with bodily function humour and maybe even coming home with some humour you are not sure they fully understand.
If you have been talking about vaginas and penises since they were little - high fives to you rockstar. And if the whole thing makes you feel squeamish, or you are just not sure where to start - then deep breaths, you are not alone, and you can do this.
I know you want to raise kids who love their bodies. Kids who trust their own inner compass. Kids who recognize touch they do not want and confidently set their boundaries. Kids who tell you when something happened that wasn’t right. Kids who turn into teens and adults who love with open hearts, who know how to be intimate, and loving and respectful to others. Teens and adults who love every piece of themselves, now matter who they are or who they love.
There is a lot packed into the statement above, a lot packed into making that happen. I believe that the way to success is about two core things.
Normalizing conversations about bodies, sex, love, emotions and all of those things we have deemed tabboo.
Giving our kids the skills to understand their own limits and boundaries, the confidence to enforce them, and the ability to discover, love and embrace all of who they and their future potential partners are.
So how do we start? What do we teach and when? This is probably the most common question I receive on this topic. I hate to tell you there is no cut and dry formula - however I have some great guidelines that can help you feel your way through it.
Side note: Before I start I want to pop a note in here to head to my Amazon Wish List with favourite book recommends on all the topics below. Stock up that library for you and your kiddos.
It always starts with you. The more you have explored these topics and how you feel about them for yourself, the better able you are able to explore how to talk about them with your kids. You can start this process anytime. Imagine trying to talk to them about a topic - where do you stumble, what do you want them to know or feel about something, why do you think that, do you actually remember how it works or do you need an update?
It’s never too early to discuss anything that relates to:
Body parts (even private ones)
Respectful touch and consent
Safety and protecting yourself
Confidence
Awareness of and management of our emotions
Conception (how babies are made)
Our sense of pleasure in the body (taste, touch, sounds, smells, and sight)
Love and relationships in all their many forms
gender
Yes all of these things relate to sexuality or provide skills that support us to navigate sexual relationships in the future.
When children are young they are discovering the whole world. Everything is amazing, including their bodies and how they work. Their penises and vaginas are no different than their fingers and their toes. The reproductive process no different than digestion. We make the conversation normal from Day 1 - teaching kids the proper names for their body parts, speaking about them with confidence, and teaching them about who can touch who, where and when.
When children know their bodies and all the amazing things they can do. They are better able to respect and care for their bodies in the future. When children feel a sense of autonomy, confidence in themselves, independence and control over their bodies, they can are able to prevent abuse and report it because they know something is not right.
When they can confidently navigate emotions, when they see that there are many different kinds of families, and many ways babies come into the world it makes them more accepting, compassionate and curious about the world.
3) You should talk about puberty BEFORE it happens (that means 7 or 8)
The world and the body they live in is going to feel like it got hit by a truck when they hit puberty. Just think back to your own experience to get some context - or perhaps you have blocked out the memories.
We need to trust our kids with information about their bodies. We need to prepare them so they don’t think they are dying when they get their first period, or like they are broken when they wake up with wet dreams. We are raising body scientists. Kids who are curious about and prepared for the changes in their bodies. Read books with them, introduce the idea, let them know you are there to answer questions or find the answers together.
Now there is some nuance to this - how you talk about periods with your 7 year old might be different than with your 12 year old. That’s because your 7 year old doesn’t need an in-detail rundown but a general gist of the concept. Your 12 year old needs to know exactly what will go down, have a first-time emergency kit prepared, and know exactly how to manage fertility as she gets older.
4) If they are asking about it - it’s time.
Kids have this amazing ability of letting things that do not feel relevant to them go completely over their heads. It’s actually almost impossible to share too much information. They will just disregard what feels irrelevant in the moment. If they are asking you about sex, it’s because they’ve been hearing it on the playground or talking about what they THINK they know about it with their friends. The average age of porn exposure has gone DOWN to 9 recently. Usually it’s an accidental web browsing incident, but it does happen - if they have seen it, even a glimpse, you need to be talking about it - not to mention all those boobs and nearly naked bodies on magazines.
No matter how surprised you might be at the questions they come up with, and now matter how hard you might want to keep your little child little - if they are asking, it’s time to open up the conversation.
A typical guideline of what you can expect is:
2-5 - Bodies parts, love, safe touch, how babies are made (the highlights)
2-12 - Puberty, what to expect, love, safe touch, emotions and relationships, conception, media literacy, body image
13 - Up- Puberty, love, safe touch, consent, birth control, safe sex, body image, sexual decision making
A special note here that the best way forward when you get a question that seems out of left field is to do some digging first before you answer. Get really clear on what they heard and where and what they actually want to know. Sometimes they ask “what is sex” just to get a reaction, sometimes they read it on a book spine at someone’s house, sometimes they heard a bigger sibbling talk about it. Really clarify what they are hoping to know.
5) You are the best person for the job
“Don’t they teach this stuff at school” you are thinking? Some, maybe, if you are lucky and have a great teacher who gets to this part of the curriculum. But even if they do cover it it’s a) typically super short, and b) typically covers how to NOT make a baby and how to NOT get an STI. Schools are getting better but it is very unlikely they will be able to have a conversation about the nuance of consent, how body image impacts sexual decision making, how to talk to your partner and so much more - really they miss the nuance of being a human in relationships with other humans.
You know how you want to raise your kids. You know the values that guide your home. You know what you hope for your children in the future. Because of this, you are the best person for the job. You can take the science and the info and share it in a way that supports the values of your home and the vision you have for your kids.
Which brings me to my last point.
6) Trust yourself and ask for help
There is, as always, so much more I could say on this topic. In the end, trust your gut and know when to reach out for help. Your kids don’t need you to remember exactly what day ovulation happens, they need you to be willing to find a great video on Youtube to watch with them. They don’t need you to know exactly what they should do in their relationships, but they need you to give them information that can help them make their own decision about whether they feel safe, seen and loved.
You are an amazing parent. You got this.
Before I leave you today I want you to be among the first to know that I am launching a Pre-teen and Tween Puberty Prep course for parents in 2020. Dates TBD. It will be a year long support program filled with guest experts and resources on everything from periods and wet dreams to bullying and the mads, sads, and glads. My goal is to have you feeling prepared to handle whatever puberty throws at your family with confidence and a supportive place you can turn to when you have no idea what to do next. If you want in - get your name on the waitlist here:
Much Love - Sofia