Dear Boobs

It’s been a road hasn’t it. I caught a glance of you this morning in the mirror as I undressed for a shower. It’s been a while since I gave you some love, I know.

When I stopped this morning I noticed a few new things. I noticed you are still getting smaller since we weaned about a month ago.That’s feeling good - although I’m not sure what was going on last week - you two were huge.

I noticed righty, previously lovingly known as the “good” boob is a little more empty and a little more saggy than lefty. Righty did a lot of work the last year and a half. She always somehow seemed to produce more milk and with more flow. So she’s a little worse for wear. She spent a lot of loving hours with the baby. She even has a scar to prove it. Yup losing a chunk of nipple to your little one at 2 weeks is a BITCH.

I noticed that you both are sitting a little lower on my chest, not quite dangling like 4-kid deep boob - but not as perky as you once were. Though lefty has a little more perk and lift to her. I’m suspicious there’s more milk still in there for some reason - she just doesn’t feel as drained as righty.

I can still see our scars from surgery. That monumental decision we made when were 19 to intervene with our body and make you two a little smaller. That was a big one. You came fast and furious in my teens and I quickly went from excited to uncomfortable.  I remember the first time I caught a boy staring at you two. We were mid conversation and he couldn’t pull his eyes away - like you had some magical magnetic force that he could not resist. I instantly shrank 5 sizes and hid my fury under turtlenecks and large men’s hoodies for the next 5 years.

By the time I got to university I was so sick of hiding, so sick of holding myself back from the fun things in life because of my boobs. So we researched, we looked at before and after photos, we talked to people. We chopped you up. 

And we never looked back. 

I remember walking down the street after recovery - a totally new lady with a new walk. I felt like a super svelte super model. I was on fire. I was unleashed.I remember the first time I left the house and forgot to put a bra on and didn’t notice till I was at least a few blocks away. I remember walking around residence visiting my friends exclaiming “ I can hold my boobs in my hands!”.

We never looked back until we got pregnant. And then, the pannick set in. Were we going to be able to breastfeed? Would we be able to a little bit, or all the way? Again I researched and read. I had meltdowns in the nurse’s office and I did my best to trust - that fed is best - no matter what. 

Three days after delivery I woke up with rock hard tits full of lumps and bumps. I was so not prepared for this. Bring on the cabbage leaves. You were so full of milk, but also these really hard spots - almost like there was scar tissue that was bumping up against the milk supply. It was painful and the first three months of breastfeeding were tough. 

You see women just popping out a boob and inserting it into little one wherever they can and this was not my reality. The first six weeks were a marathon. Just one more week I would tell myself. You can do one more week. I wanted to quit so many times.

Baby somehow, even with a good latch, grabbed a chunk of my good boob’s nipple and that meant excruciating pain anytime she fed on the boob that was her favourite for at least 6 weeks. It meant feeling shooting pain from my toes to my nipple. I had to work hard for my milk. I took supplements four times a day but they worked, and I breastfeeding was a sport - I had to actively support babe’s head and massage whichever breast she was feeding from. I needed perfectly arranged pillows, food and water nearby.

But we got there. 

By six months I was that lady, whipping her boobs out anywhere the need arose.

I’m so happy we were able to exclusively breast feed. I’m a little sad that it’s over - although I DO NOT miss the constant nipple fiddling.

I’m a little nervous too, about where we go next. You’ve been basically off limits during sexy time for over a year. I’m curious to see how you will respond to my partner’s loving touch. I’m curious what your wants will become. 

I promise I will listen. 

I promise I will give you love. 

I promise I will not deride your deflated status and instead shower you with gratitude for the year you fed my baby.

I promise you are loved. 

Thank you. 

Sofia