Thinking Out loud — ON Cruel Kindness and Boundaries
I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries lately. Specifically, boundary setting with my toddler. She is 16 months, knows how to throw a full rage already, and very, very stubborn. There’s lots of change in her little world right now. She’s learning how to communicate more every day, she’s testing her physical limits and exploring the world in new ways, we are weaning and trying to figure out sleep and she is very much experimenting with how to push my buttons.
I remember back when she was about 8 or 9 months and finally decided to just set a timer for 10 min, put on some earmuffs, and let her scream before nap to see what would happen. She was breaking her heart with my tears, and 2 min felt like an eternity and I kept going in to comfort and sooth her and placate her into sleep. Well, that experiment worked super well. She fell asleep at the 10 min mark exactly. And we got a pretty good routine going - for a while.
What I learned then was that my kindness, my loving, soft, soothing approach to putting her down was maybe a cruel one.(In our case. You do you people, i’m just sharing my observations and reflections here). It was a kindness that didn’t set a clear limit - it’s bed-time, I love you, go to sleep. Instead it sent mixed messages, confused her, and set her up perfectly to mess with me. I know, I know you can’t spoil a wee baby, but now, now she is a toddler who tantrums. And she knows exactly what she is doing.
And despite me figuring out that 10 min of screaming was better than 30-40 min of me trying to soothe and calm her. Things slipped. As they do.
Fast forward to this month. We did some night weaning and dad put her to bed and did all night wakes for a few days. Ever since then he can tuck her in and put her to sleep with zero complaints, but I get the full waterworks. If he goes in at night a simple back rub and maybe some water is all she needs. But if I go in, she’s up, were eating, playing or freaking out. These waterworks are different than before. Even more intense, lots of throwing herself around, her head banging on her crib or on the floor. And the screaming has next leveled so it just gets right into my nervous system. Quite frankly it freaks me right out.
So I’ve been breaking all kinds of boundaries and doing everything I can to please her. This is usually after about 40 min of trying to calmly hold space and let her freak out. I’m taking the mattress out of the crib and laying on it with her on the floor. I’m crawling into the crib and cuddling her - my legs in the air or hanging over the edge. I’m walking around the room with her trying to calm her down. I’m not sending clear messages again.
Last night she was up at 4 am. I went to get her, love her up and put her back to sleep. That didn’t work. Feeding her didn’t work. Then she threw a tantrum for 20 min because I wouldn’t give her yet another muffin. We tried bringing her into the big bed, lots of mamma cuddles and after all that I said “I think you need to just take her to bed”. So, dad took her, calmed her, and she was down and happily asleep within minutes. I’ve experiment with this a bit in the last few weeks. Where I go back to that 8 month mamma old self and I just put her in her crib and let her scream. If she’s going to scream and flop around on me or in the crib she might as well do it without an audience and learn the limit. Nine times out of 10 when I stop telling myself she needs my love and kindness and hugs and instead tell myself she needs a clear limit and boundary - she listens.
Once again cruel kindness at play. Clear limits and boundaries may feel harsh - especially when we are unpracticed at delivering them, and people in our lives are unpracticed at hearing them. But, they are actually the kindest thing you can do.
Whether it’s your kids, your spouse, your best friend or your boss - learning to set your limits with confidence and stick to them is actually kindness.
Consider this….
Is it kind to listen to your partner moan about work then ream them out or give him the cold shoulder because you have your own stress and can’t actually hold space for them right now? Or is it kind to say, “Hey, I love you, and I’m super stressed right now, can you call a friend to moan too”?
Is it kind to tell your boss “yea sure I can totally take on those extra five projects no problem”, and then flail or not do a great job or get totally burnt out? Or is it kind to say, “If you want me to take on these 5 new things, these three things need to be back burnered, is that ok”?
Is it kind to tell your friend you’ll totally absolutely be there on Friday even though you are absolutely maxed and barely keeping it together this week and then bail super last minute? Or is it kind to say “ I know this is really important to you and I also know my limits right now. Can I make it up to you and take you drinks another time”?
Is it kind to snuggle and cuddle your baby girl all night long and pick her up and play with her and origami yourself into her bed in an effort to get her to sleep? Or is it kind to lovingly say “It’s time for bed, I love you, rest is good for our bodies” and leave her (with supervision and check ins of course).
God those limit setting options feel vulnerable don’t they. They totally scare me just thinking about them. And yet, I know when I get real with myself about my limit and express it, I am more kind and more loving, which is my goal. It’s a total mental reframe.
So how do we do this in practice.
Learn how to hit the pause button in the moment or slow things down so you can ask yourself “what is my limit here, what can I actually give, or what do I need?”
Get brave and express it - don’t be attached to getting a yes or being heard - but express the limit.
Practice being firm but fair. Sometimes people aren’t sure what to do when they hear a limit so give them options and clearly and calmly restate if you need to.
It might feel uncomfortable at first. Some people in your life who are not used to hearing a no may be a little surprised at first. Setting boundaries can recalibrate some things in life. And remind your that communication and limits are kind.
Thoughts, reflections?
Where are you being cruel in your kindness by not setting limits?
Sofia