How welcoming masturbation into your marriage will improve your sex life after kids
Today we are talking about the M word. Masturbation or self-pleasure can be a super taboo topic, especially when we bring it up in the context of long term relationships or marriage. In todays' episode Sofia tackles the reasons we avoid self-pleasure in our LTR, and makes the case for how the right kind of masturbation practice can actually make you a better lover.
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Today we are talking about Masturbation - by listener request. A big thanks to the person who asked and keep those questions coming everyone!
Why talk about masturbation when we are in a long term relationship? Cause it is the totally underrated MVP of your relationship! That’s why.
I know, I Know! So many of you get visibly uncomfortable when I talk about self pleasure. And I get it!
You grew up thinking or straight up being told it was wrong, bad, dirty, sinful or shameful.
Especially as young women and vagina owners - we shame women exploring their pleasure while normalizing dudes having a full on relationship with their penis.
As vagina owners- masturbation can feel like a project that takes cotortionist abilities and an army of mirrors and lights.
In long term relationships we are led to believe that we should be able to provide 100 percent of our partners needs, including their sexual needs. That masturbation must somehow mean a failure of relationship, that we are not meeting their needs, or that there is something wrong with our partners needs.
If we are not the centre of our partners sexual desire they are somehow cheating, or it’s a sign they could, or are loosing interest in us.
Some folks have really unhealthy and even damaging relationships with pornography and masturbation can be a part of this addiction, which means it might be triggering in your relationship if this is or has been an issue, or you are worried it will become one.
A quick side note on porn, while it is not in and of itself bad (aside from the very obvious ethical questions of how it is made), it can be very problematic - especially when we become dependent on it and it fuels disconnection instead of connection in our relationship. There is room for healthy use of the right kind of porn in any relationship and the more we shame it’s use the more it becomes a secret hidden thing that has more power not less. I think we often put porn and masturbation together - but they don’t have to go together, and the kind of masturbation I am advocating for here is porn free. Read on to see what I mean.
The list goes on.
So a reminder. These are all stories. Get curious about where they came from for you. And ask yourself if they are serving you. Consider instead the following.
Masturbation is a normal, healthy, natural, and safe way of exploring our sexuality as individuals.
Self-pleasure is one of THE BEST ways to learn your body and find the words for what it desires. If you struggle to find the words for what fuels your pleasure, masturbation can help you find what you love.
Masturbation is a really healthy outlet so that we don’t put 100% of our “need” onto our partner.
My personal favourite is that we can embrace it as a time to become a better lover. We can get our reps in. We can practice and fail in private, and bring what we learn back to our partnership. If you are struggling with erectile disfunction or premature ejaculation - the right kind of masturbation practice is the way to overcome these challenges. Masturbation practices can heal our shame and trauma around sex (more on that on a future episode), they can be a space to try new moves, and techniques from hand moves to breath work, from finding your different errogenous zones, to trying a new toy for the first time. Doing it solo is less vulnerability and less risk.
And finally mutual masturbation can be a whole lot of fun! When we need options beyond intercourse, when we want to make things more exciting, when we want to explore new kinds of desire and excitement.
But here’s the deal. It’s not just your average everyday “scratch that itch” kind of masturbation that’s going to accomplish this for you. We have got to stop wham bam thank you ma’mming ourselves and instead become a better lover to ourselves.
Great lovers:
they set the stage by creating the mood and the environment
are fully present, relaxed and connected
they listen intently
they bring curiosity and play into the equation
they respect their own limits
and they do aftercare like a pro.
You can do this for yourself. And it will totally change not only how you masturbate but what you learn in the process. I teach folks how to do full tantric masturbation in my 1:1 coaching (reach out if you are interested) but a quick practice you can try this week is as follows. You are essentially going to follow my practice for having a Naked Sexy Fun Time but for yourself. That means:
1. Pick a date and time and set the mood. Lights, music, comfy clothes, lube, toys..
2. Build the bridge between your busy day and sexy lover mode. Get relaxed, present and connected with yourself.
3. Try this with no porn, and no internal fantasy reel running. Just focus on the sensation of your hands on your own body, or the toy of your choice on your body.
4. Breathe deeply while you do it, stay present and connected to your body and challenge yourself to ride the waves of arousal for 20 minutes or more. Don’t let yourself get off at the first highway exit. Stay on the highway a little while and see where it takes you.
5. When you are done, observe how it felt, what emotions arose, and what you observed or noticed.
Give it a try and let me know what you think.
I am rooting for you.
Sofia AKA The Happy V.