How I went from a heck no! to a Heck Yes ! in bed last week.

So here’s the scene - we’ve snuggled into bed for the night, we’re spooning, and I ask my husband to give me some neck kisses before I drift off to sleep (a little routine we’ve had for almost a decade now). He gets really into it and his hands start wandering and it’s feeling really nice and at the same time I AM FEELING SPLIT IN TWO.

Half of me is saying- this nice, god it’s been so long, I could get into this.

Half of me is saying - ugh I’m so tired, this will be so much work, I don’t want to, but I feel sooo bad saying no, again.

He’s touching me and loving me up and I’m stuck in my head in an internal tug of war at a total stale moment - frozen. I do not know what I want in this moment.

Now, normally I probably would have eventually brushed him off and said I was tired, or tried my best to relax and enjoy it. Neither option really felt great. And then the other night, I was able to do something different. And I’m going to walk you through it here so you can try the same.

1. I HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON
   I said I had to go pee. I got up and took a deep breath in the bathroom (and peed) and just gave myself a literal time-out so I could tune into how torn I was feeling. I noticed, that I was taking make-outs as pressure to go all the way. I was into the idea of kissing, and touching, but not warmed up yet to if I wanted to go all the way. ( BTW this is SUPER common).
   I got clear on what was a yes for me and what was a maybe or a no, and headed back into the bedroom.
   
   Note - if you land here and its a full body NO. Please honour yourself.
   

2. I SHARED WHERE I WAS AT

   I opened up a conversation by saying - “hey, I just noticed by body was feeling totally overwhelmed there. My body was in a yes/no tug of war and I didn’t no what to do. I was really enjoying kissing and touching but I am not sure that I want to go all the way tonight, yet. But I have an idea- can I share? “
   

3. I SUGGESTED WE GET NAKED, WITH NO EXPECTATIONS

   We spend so little time in bed together - most nights we sleep apart with one kid or another, and even less time lying in bed naked together. In the past this is often something that has felt good for both of us so I suggested we start by just taking our clothes off and cuddling naked - expectation free. I decided not to judge or feel pressured by an erection, but just to honour that it was there, and I suggested that if we didn’t go all the way, there was total permission for either one of us to “finish up on our own.”
   

4. I PLAYED THE “MAY I”, “WOULD YOU GAME”

   Once we got naked and settled in, we started a round of the “May I”, “ Would you” game. This game is a way to play with consent where you think of something you would like to do to your partner or you think of something you would like to your partner to do to you and you take turns offering and asking.
   
   So… may I stroke your hair, would you kiss my lips, may I rub your back, would you tickle my nipples…. and so on and so on. The goal is to go slow and tune in to your body’s yes, no or maybe to each request.
   
   So… may I tickle your nipples?…. I’m not ready for that yet but you can stroke my collar bone. or would you be willing to massage my back?… I don’t want to get out of the blankets but I can stroke your back gently while we lie here next to each other.
   
   Consent is key. Listening to and honouring your bodies is key! Try to make the game playful and low stakes, especially if you’re yes is fragile. Don’t go straight for the naughty bits.
   

5. I RELAXED AND ENJOYED
   This got us playful and teasing and relaxed. This got me out of my internal tug of war and into a place where my body could say yes, no, or maybe to each specific request and warm up over time.
   
   I focused on my senses and really tried to enjoy each thing as we didi it. I enjoyed giving and I enjoyed receiving.
   

6. I DESCRIBED WHAT MY BODY WAS EXPERIENCING
   We warmed ourselves up to some genital foreplay but my body was having a hard time with some of it. Certain parts of my vulva were feeling really sensitive and “weird’ while other parts were fine. Once again, where I might typically grin and bear it, or rush through it, I got brave and spoke up. I guided my partner’s hand to show him where it was sensitive and where it felt good so we could focus on the pleasure.
   

7. I RELAXED AND ENJOYED SOME MORE
   We had a yummy and connected time.
   

8. I DEBRIEFED
   After we had finished, we talked. We discussed our favourite parts, how the experiment had worked for us, and what we could try next time.
   

And that is how I turned a HECK no into a HECK yes. I know it looks like a lot broken down here, and it can feel mechanical the first few times you do it… and … the alternative for me was sitting in my own guilt all night, or having sex I wasn’t really into (which is not great for either of us). By daring to tune it, speak up, and get playful I had a fun, connected and wonderful night with my partner. And I know you can too.

P.S If you want to get more confident communicating with your partner and tuning into your body sign up for my free Five Day Libido Revival Challenge - Light Your Fire. A new version is coming early May. Get on the list now.