5 Things No One Told You About Postpartum Sex
Everything changes after baby arrives. Your boobs sag, your vagina leaks like a sive, you no longer have any sense of night and day and also - your sex life gets an overhaul. And because we already have a fairly uncomfortable time talking about sex in society if you guessed that postpartum sex is something we talk about even less - you would be right. Like all things sexuality, there are many myths and not a lot of information so today I want to talk about 5 things, in my humble opinion, that are good to know before diving back into your sex life (those these still apply if you are through the six month hump).
Let’s do this thing.
1. 6 weeks and you are good to go is bunk.
At your six week checkup your doc will commonly give you the go ahead for intercourse. What they are looking for is that your vagina is healed and that the risk of injury or infection is low. Great that’s awesome. Now how about the rest of your mind, body and spirit - is it on board? Sex is not just about genitals. There are many physical, emotional, spiritual and societal dimensions at play. So do yourselves a favour, let go of the expectation that six weeks is the mark - in particular ask your partner really let this go - and instead make yourself a check list for what you need to feel ready.
Avoid ignoring the topic, and instead opt for open and ongoing checkins about how people feel and what they need.
2. Your mind might start playing tricks on you.
The emotional dimensions of sex can change a lot for us after sex - in particular beliefs and ideas we didn’t even know we had can creep up from the subconscious. All of a sudden we may have a hard time seeing ourselves as a sexual being - or are partner may struggle with an internal conflict between you as their lover and you as the mother of their children. Parts of our bodies that used to be toys for sex are now tools for baby. And don’t underestimate the effects that postpartum depression and anxiety, body image changes, fatigue and stress can have on your libido and sexual readiness.
Give yourself space to observe these new thoughts as they arise. Be curious about them. Find out where they came from and then, as a team, ditch the ones that don’t serve you and keep the rest.
3. You are not broken if you are not that interested in sex - for a while (like up to 2 years or even beyond)
Did you know your body actually suppresses libido for up to two years to lower the chances of you getting pregnant so your body can recover? Your libido is a function of many, many things - stress, fatigue, hormones, connection with your partner, how you are feeling about yourself and your sexuality and so much more. All of this things shift a lot, they get better and worse, go up and down throughout your child’s first few years. This is a time to be patient with ourselves - make the space and time to focus on intimacy but not put so much pressure on ourselves it becomes a divisive thing.
Your body is recovering - you are not broken. Remind yourself of this as often as you need.
4. Painful can be prevented (mostly), and addressed - sometimes more easily than you think
The idea that the first time you have sex will be painful after birth is a rotten as the idea that the first time you have sex ever will hurt. This kind of attitude prioritizes male pleasure over female pleasure. It is totally possible to have a pain free - albeit slightly nervous- first time and it’s totally possible to address painful intercourse - this does not have to be your life.
See a pelvic floor physio, invest in a lot of outercourse first, lube is your FRIEND, go slow, and do everything you can to allow your body to relax and be fully present.
5. You get to decide what amount of sex is good for you.
It’s a little known fact that most couples don’t try for the first time until about 3 months, and most couples don’t actually have sex that often (like maybe 2-4 times a month) for the first year or so. In this season you don’t not need to compare yourself to Cosmo covers or even your bestie’s sex life. Your sex life is your sex life and you get to decide what it becomes. The main goal here, again, is to talk openly and regularly about who needs what and to get creative about how you meet those needs (read - go beyond intercourse people).
At the end of the day it is true that baby will do a number on your sex life. This transition can be full of frustration, and grief and sadness but it is also full of opportunity. Why - because 75% of us weren’t having great sex before baby anyways. And you know what makes a great sex life? Intention, experimentation and playfulness - all the ingredients you need to get back to sex after baby.
Sex after baby, just like all things life after baby, is a great chance to explore, reprioritize and refocus with intention and care so you can have the life and relationship you want.
Are you with me?
Much love.
Sofia
PS - If you want more deets on how to prepare for the overwhelming first time, or how to reset a lackluster post kid sex life then check out My Free Sex After Delivery Guide or grab the free Reset Your Sex Life Mini Course. It’s just three little videos that are totally game changer.