How to have "the talk" with you preteens and tweens - 5 tips for doing it right.
You know it has to happen sometime. “The talk”. Maybe you are dreading it, maybe you want to do it differently than it happened for you, maybe you have no clue what to do you just know it needs to be done.
Our pre-teens are stepping into the coming of age of puberty and they need our help. Here’s my top five tips for how to handle this convo (hint there’s more than one).
It starts with You.
As in all things parenting, it’s pretty easy to pass on our own beliefs and values about something without even thinking about it. Most of us grew up in homes where sex wasn’t talked about, if it was it was once and very awkward, or worse yet it was something that was not ok to ask about.
Most of us also don’t want to pass on unhealthy feelings and beliefs about sex to our kids. We want them to feel comfortable in their own skin and able to relate to others with confidence. The path forward starts with us. Exploring our own values and beliefs, fears and judgements. Think back on your own puberty talks. What would you keep and what will you change in how you talk to your kids? What support or knowledge do you need to do it differently?
It’s ok to know you want to do it differently but not be sure how to do it better. That’s where finding supports comes in.
It’s not just one talk and you’re done.
We need to reset our thinking on the “birds and the bees” talk. It’s not just one talk. It’s an open ended conversation that will continue well their adulthood. Why?
Well, first off, you can’t possibly cover EVERYTHING in one convo. Body changes, how babies are made, birth control, STI testing, healthy relationships, how to love someone, how to navigate consent, emotional regulation and effective communication, porn, safety - the list goes on - You could maybe sit them down for a week and cover it all - but would it sink in? NOPE.
There’s a lot of ground to cover and a lot of skills to learn - which - like all skills take opportunities to practice and fail and master. So think of it as opening the conversation and the dialogue with your kid about how they are going to live their best life on all fronts. It’s the conversation about bullying that sparks from the book you are reading, it’s the reminder that we don’t touch our privates in the living room in front of others, it’s the heart to heart about all the stresses and negative feelings they are experiencing, it’s the open listening to them rattle about their crush and letting them know big feelings are totally normal. It’s showing up fully to all they are experiencing with an ear, sometimes some advice, and often a lot of love and compassion.
Set the right tone.
If you want to do it differently then tone is everything. Your main job is to make sure your kids know…
Questions about bodies and sex are normal
Questions about bodies and sex are allowed
You will never judge, ridicule or laugh at their questions and you will always work together with them to find the answer
This is how we banish shame and taboo. This is how we raise kids who take care of their bodies and know how to be in healthy relationships.
You don’t have to be the expert on everything.
It can feel overwhelming when you think about all the topics puberty, coming of age and budding relationships bring up. Take a deep and remind yourself - I don’t have to have all the answers - I just have to be willing to find them. That means sharing an attitude of open curiosity with your kids. Finding experts, following social media accounts and….
Load up on resources
That’s right. Load your house up with puberty books and resources. Leave them laying around, keep them in the bathroom and anywhere else the kids read. Find websites like amaze.org and other places you can watch videos together and tackle the tough subjects. And of course, don’t forget to call in the heavy hitters when you needed. A sex education expert can help you script a tough conversation, walk you through what’s normal and not, and help you calm down the freaking out judgement brain, and give you some practical steps to move forward.
That’ all for today’s blog. If your kids are fast approaching the puberty years make sure to check out my year -long membership - starting April 2020. Guest experts every month, resources on all the topics, and ask me anything office hours for those panic stricken moments. Get on the wait-list here.